Vallerina (vallerina) wrote,
Vallerina
vallerina

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uggh get out of my head

Hiii
You know what sucks? And what's always sucked? The fact that you can reach me, but I can't reach you. The fact that I'm always here, the fact that I've always been here, that I've always been so available, so accessible, so open and the fact that you were always "there," wherever "there" happened to be...just not "here" with me. And even though everything's changed, it feels like nothings changed at all, because it's always been this way, and that's why it couldn't work out. Sure it worked for you, but it never worked for me.
Looking back on it now, it's so obvious to me, but what about you? how did you feel? How do you feel now? Do you think about me? Do you ever wonder what I'm up to? Do you think about what happened? Because I think about it a lot. I never knew what was going on in your head, and I suppose I never will. I don't know how I'm supposed to handle this if these thoughts plague me all the time and I don't see how i'm supposed to get any closure if there's no way to contact you.
It's annoying that I'm reminded of you a lot of the time...indirectly. Ughh, "your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone" WORD.......
It's weird...I feel like I've made so much progress, I feel like I've matured a bit more, figured stuff out for myself, and that I'm content...but this feeling haunts me and I hope this feeling will go away soon. That one day I won't think about you at all, that I'll never have to remember the good times or bad times. I'm already having trouble remembering how it all ended, how you looked, how it felt. It'll be hard forgetting how it started and how I felt...

I guess this is the falling out huh...I was always so worried I'd never find someone as great as you, but now I'm not worried, because nothing's perfect, and I have a lot of time left. But I know nothing would be the same with or without you, I just wish I knew how you felt, and I wish with all my might that I could see you again, that we could catch up. And that I could see with my own eyes that you are all right, that you are in fact better off without me....oh well. There's so much that I've learned, so much has changed, but this is the one thing that hasn't changed, that I wish would change. If someone could've told me to let go of you, and that nothing between us would change, and if I could've trusted them...then I suppose I would've been a lot better off than I am now.

Sorry....all of that was on my mind today and I had to get it off my chest. I have happier thoughts running through my head, but that'll be for another day ;)
Val
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